10 Things You Shouldn't Say to Your Child: Why Can They Encourage Aggression?

When communicating with our children, we need to choose our words carefully, as some things we say can seriously harm their development. This article discusses 10 things you shouldn't say to your child that may encourage aggression or affect their development and social life.

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What Shouldn't You Say to Your Child?

1. Swearing

Inappropriate swear words are among the things you shouldn't say to your child, as they can negatively affect their development and communication. Hearing swear words may lead children to use them in everyday life, including in inappropriate situations with classmates, neighbors, or parents. This may encourage unsuitable ways of communicating and behaving, creating distance between them and others.

Swearing may affect your child's social development. Children who learn to use inappropriate language may struggle to gain acceptance from others and build positive relationships with classmates or people in their community. Swearing may also prevent children from taking responsibility for their words and make it harder for them to show consideration for others and recognize their own worth appropriately.

2. Why Can't You Be Like This?

Questions like this often make people feel inadequate or flawed. They create pressure or emotional strain, and children can sense that their parents have expectations they are not meeting.

Instead of asking this kind of question, parents can ask questions that give children opportunities to share their opinions, feelings, or experiences, such as:

1. "How do you feel when you do this?"

   • Encourage your child to share their feelings about the situation.

2. "What makes you feel good?"

   • Reflect on your child's achievements or positive experiences to create a positive atmosphere.

3. "Why did you choose to do this?"

   • Give your child an opportunity to explain and understand the reasons behind their behavior.

Engaging questions that invite children to tell their stories are a good alternative. They help build understanding and support your child's development with confidence and creativity.

3. You're Stupid / You're Not Smart

Labeling children as "stupid" or "not smart" can make them believe their abilities cannot change, leaving them reluctant to try and undermining their confidence. Some children hold on to feelings of shame that later emerge as irritability or aggression. Parents should use a calm tone, speak slowly and clearly, and discuss "what your child did" rather than judging "who your child is".

Instead of hurtful criticism, acknowledge that the task is difficult and point out ways to improve, for example:

1. "This looks difficult, but if you have questions or don't understand something, please ask."

   • Encourage problem-solving and skill development.

2. "This is difficult for everyone, but we can do it with effort."

   • Emphasize the effort and determination that can lead to success.

3. "We can always try again or try another way."

   • Encourage trying and developing skills.

4. "There are several ways we can solve this. Can you think of anything that might help?"

   • Build determination to find a solution.

Supportive, encouraging language helps create an environment in which your child can build confidence and develop their abilities.

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4. It Doesn't Matter

Dismissing your child's feelings or the problems they face can make them feel that their emotions or difficulties receive little attention or understanding. This can make children feel small or as though their feelings do not matter.

Instead of rejecting or minimizing your child's problems or feelings, parents can respond with support and understanding, for example:

1. "I understand that this matters a lot to you. We can talk about it."

   • Show understanding and interest in your child's problems or feelings.

2. "This is important to you, and I always want to help."

   • Show that you are willing to work together to address the issue or solve the problem.

3. "What can I do to help you?"

   • Show that you are eager to help.

4. "Tell me. I'm listening."

   • Create space for your child to share feelings or problems freely.

Paying attention and showing understanding helps children feel accepted and confident about sharing their feelings or problems. An open, supportive atmosphere helps strengthen the relationship between you and your child.

5. You Can't Do It

Encourage children to work through challenges and develop skills, rather than judging them as incapable.

Here are some ways you can show support:

1. "Try again. We all face challenges."

   • Encourage your child to be brave and try again.

2. "It's okay. We can learn from mistakes."

   • Encourage learning and growth through your child's experiences.

3. "You can't do it yet, but we can practice and develop this skill."

   • Emphasize development and practice to prepare for future challenges.

4. "We can't do everything on the first try. Practice is important."

   • Explain that success often comes from continued effort.

5. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

   • Offer help and work together to improve the chances of success.

Supportive language that encourages children to face challenges with confidence has a positive effect on their development and self-belief.

6. Why Can't You Be as Good as Your Sibling or Friend?

Comparing your child with siblings, relatives, or friends may make them feel that their parents expect too much and love someone else more. It can also lead to jealousy and arguments between siblings (read more about how to handle children fighting). Comparisons also often leave children feeling that they are not good enough or are not accepted for who they are.

For constructive, supportive communication, try language that encourages your child's growth and development and helps them understand that success comes from developing skills and personal qualities:

1. "You're developing your skills, and there are things you do well."

   • Emphasize your child's progress and the abilities they are developing.

2. "You have unique qualities that make you special."

   • Emphasize your child's worth and individuality.

3. "We're all different, and we support you in being yourself."

   • Encourage diversity and individuality.

4. "What you can do matters a lot. We want you to feel proud of yourself."

   • Encourage a sense of pride and achievement.

Language that encourages growth and accepts differences helps create an environment that supports your child's development.

7. You Must Do...

Forcing children to do what their parents want can make them feel controlled and unable to make their own decisions freely. Supporting children's decision-making skills and sense of responsibility is important. Here are some ways to encourage responsibility and decision-making:

1. "Is there anything you'd like to do or decide for yourself?"

   • Give your child opportunities to take part in decisions.

2. "When you need to make a decision, I'm here to listen and support you."

   • Encourage your child to participate in decisions and build confidence.

3. "Try it your way first, and then we can talk about the results."

   • Encourage experimentation and learning from experience.

4. "You can make decisions, and I'm confident you can do this."

   • Encourage confidence in your child's abilities.

5. "I support you in whatever you decide."

   • Show support and understanding for your child's decisions.

Involving children in decisions and encouraging responsibility can help create a trusting, supportive environment for their growth and development.

8. Don't Eat That. You're Already Fat

Comments about your child's physical appearance may affect their emotional well-being and make them unhappy with their body. Language about weight or other aspects of appearance can cause distress and make children feel that they do not meet society's standards or ideals of beauty.

Instead of commenting on physical appearance, try supportive approaches that encourage a healthy attitude toward looking after their health:

1. "What could we do to look after our health?"

   • Offer supportive guidance on maintaining good health.

2. "We all look different, and that's part of what makes us who we are."

   • Emphasize diversity and acceptance of differences.

3. "Good health matters more than appearance."

   • Encourage taking responsibility for health and accepting one's natural appearance.

4. "We can focus on looking after our health, such as eating nutritious food and exercising."

   • Suggest approaches that can help children feel good about themselves.

Supportive language that encourages healthy attitudes and positive thinking may help create an environment that supports your child's emotional and physical development.

9. You Should Do Better

Saying "You should do better" may make children feel that their parents are dissatisfied with their efforts or unwilling to appreciate their achievements. This kind of phrase can create pressure and make children feel unaccepted.

Instead of phrases about what your child should do, try supportive, encouraging language:

1. "I see how hard you're trying, and I'm proud of that."

   • Show acceptance and support.

2. "You're developing your skills, and there are opportunities to learn and improve."

   • Emphasize progress and abilities that can continue to develop.

3. "We can work together to make this better."

   • Offer help and collaboration.

4. "Everyone needs to learn from mistakes, and I believe in your ability to improve."

   • Emphasize learning from experience.

5. "If you get stuck, let me know. We'll look at it together."

   • Show confidence and support development without pressure.

Supportive language that expresses confidence in your child's abilities can help create an enjoyable atmosphere and encourage your child to feel valued and successful as they develop.

10. Not Again

Saying "Not again" can make children feel that they have no opportunity to correct mistakes or improve. This phrase can leave children feeling rejected and unable to develop or do better.

Instead of language that closes off opportunities to put things right, try supportive words that offer a chance to improve:

1. "How could we make this better?"

   • Offer opportunities to improve and find solutions.

2. "We can improve and learn from this mistake."

   • Emphasize the importance of learning from experience.

3. "Try again, and we can work together to make it better."

   • Show enthusiasm for working together.

4. "It's okay. Everyone makes mistakes. What matters most is learning from them."

   • Encourage an attitude focused on learning.

5. "I believe you can put this right and make it better."

   • Show confidence in your child's abilities.

Supportive language that offers opportunities to improve helps create an enjoyable atmosphere that supports your child's development.

Why These Words May Encourage Aggression

Children learn how to manage emotions and speak to others primarily from their parents. When children are frequently shouted at, insulted, subjected to sarcasm, or humiliated, they absorb the idea that harsh language is a way to solve problems and may use it with siblings or friends. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) states that harsh verbal punishment or shaming does not help children develop discipline and is associated with more behavioral problems (HealthyChildren.org). The World Health Organization considers repeated emotional harm to children a form of child maltreatment (WHO).

Alongside avoiding these phrases, parents should praise good behavior, set clear rules, and model how to manage emotions. If you say something hurtful, apologizing to your child also sets a good example. Read more about physical punishment of children and how to talk to your child using positive communication. If your child's aggression is severe or persistent, consult a pediatrician or child psychiatrist.

Conclusion

Communication with your child is important to their development and well-being. Our words have a strong influence on building a constructive, supportive relationship. Here is a summary of how to communicate in ways that support and encourage your child's development:

"Communication with children is most effective when we use constructive, supportive language. We should avoid comparisons and ask questions that encourage goal-setting and problem-solving. Guidance should focus on development and support children's learning, helping them feel valued and enjoy improving themselves. Encouraging responsibility and offering opportunities to improve helps create an enjoyable atmosphere that supports children's growth. At the same time, avoid comments about appearance and encourage good health. Together, these approaches create a supportive space for communication and encourage our children's positive development."

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